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X Factor: are the girls some sort of X Factor publicity cash cow or something?

August 23, 2010

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It’s officially the end of summer. The nights are drawing in, the rain is beating down on our flip-flopped, blister-prone feet and the X Factor is back on telly. It’s like a mixture between a TV version of verbal diarrhea and that bit in Clockwork Orange when Alex is forced to watch Bad Things with his eyes pinned open.

I don’t even need to watch now, it’s so formulaic. The live format made an unwelcome return – instead of a braying crowd as we enjoy and expect with Britain’s Got Talent, they’re less braying, more sympathetic and almost bland. Or maybe that’s just the epic editing. I miss the audition room, where auditionees would stand facing the judges in a bare room, instead of having their moment in the spotlight, staring out into the darkness. I don’t believe contestants have earned the right to stand on stage until they’ve made it through boot camp and the judges houses. Yes. There is such a thing as an X Factor purist…

But anyway, back to the formula. First a sweeping shot of the massive auditorium, with it’s search lights, picking out chavs and fat mums (or both at the same time). Then we’re reminded of past X Factor successes (no Shayne ward, Leon or Steve Brookstein – oops!). And then we’re reminded of the judges, as if we’ve somehow had a lobotomy over the past six months, what with Cheryl’s marriage collapse, Cheryl’s Malaria and Danni’s baby – are the girls some sort of X Factor publicity cash cow or something?

This lead BMTV to wondering what exactly Louis has done other than Boyzone and Westlife? Seriously? There must be more successful (in terms of bands, not units sold) out there. And even the Boyzone/Westlife business model is the same, really. They don’t even show him as initial manager of Girls Aloud as they only really got mega after they dumped him… Poor Louis. But perhaps his time is up.

To Steven, and thus the judges pull out their trusty X Factor thesaurus…

“You have a great personality”
> You make great TV

“You’ve got something special…”
>You’re going to make me a lot of money!

“You make me smile!”
>You’re fat and ugly, but you’re lovely so I can’t slag you off.

Next on the X Factor template is the sob-story-with-a-talent. This year it’s Zimbabwean Gamu, who **lip tremble** really wants to do this **sob** for her mum **wibble** She wants to change her family’s life, yadda yadda yadda… But. She’s amazing. Even without the Autotune (BMTV can’t be arsed to mention it, as it’s already been talked about here and here and here). Cowell says she’s “a million per cent yes.” He’s started on a million per cent already? Jeez, he really needs to think this through – where is he going to go from here?

Then the Bad Duo. G&S, which (as Simon Pegg mirthfully pointed out on Twitter) stands for Good and Shite. I actually thought of that too. No really I did. It’s in my notes and everything. But I can’t say it now because he has. And he’s you know, a comedy god and that. Dammit… I suppose it’s not even THAT good a joke, really, anyway.

Now to Katie. I hate Katie. Her dad says “she tried very very very very hard” No shit. She looks like she’s on the way to a Madonna fancy dress party, but has decided to go as Amy Winehouse. She’s far far far too full of self-belief and oozes fake humility to hide mass arrogance. She’s one of those annoying girls who sings on trains, for gawd’s sake. But she makes good TV – sorry, she has a good personality. And Geri “loves her individual sense of style.” Really? Madonna? Who you tried to copy – in your career as a **fitness instructor**? Incidentally, Geri is still quite crazy, right? I loved the montage of her being all over-chatty though. Especially as it finally showed Cheryl’s nasty side. Anyway. Katie. She’s just horrid. She makes me breathe bile.

The one thing that’s different this year is that they seem to be sending shite people through to boot camp. Either that’s because they sound quite good because of the Autotune, or because they’ve realised that shite people make good TV, I’m not sure. Probably both. Or neither.

Shoots self.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 23, 2010 8:58 pm

    She’s Zimbabwean – amend amend!

  2. August 23, 2010 9:35 pm

    Ooops, rilly? All changed, thanks!

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