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“You’re through!”

August 15, 2008

The words every fame-hungry munchkin wish to hear on entering the audition room for X Factor, due to hit our screens tomorrow evening amidst a whirl of moronically engineered publicity.

So to celebrate the appointment of Racist Cheryl Tweedy as judge, I thought I’d nip back in time to 2002 when she was auditioning for Popstars The Rivals. Cheryl is reportedly a kinder, more tolerant judge than the other two this series because she knows what it’s like to be in this situation – all wayed-ayed with nervz an’ laike. Check out her audition (and the other girls’ while you’re at it) – and then you’ll understand why she turned down Cowell as a judge for Britain’s Got Talent. Because she has none.

Seriously, even some of the better auditions wouldn’t scrape through X Factor these days. Yes, I know with a pop group the standard can be lower as there are more voices to blend together and cover up the weaker ones. But still… Cheryl’s is awful, Sarah barely opens her mouth and just gyrates a bit before getting sent to London and Nadine gets through because she knows Louis already and he “loikes her.”

Incidentally, this is most probably my one and only X Factor post this year. Eagle-eyed viewers (so that’s Napoleon then) will have noticed that I’m kinda busy gallivanting around the town to actually watch much TV these days. Yes, I’m gutted. But I’m having an ace time, I must say…

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23 Comments leave one →
  1. August 15, 2008 4:09 pm

    It’s a bit unfair to perpetually brand Tweedy a racist. She’s from the North East, and I’m sure she cringes every time she thinks of how her being a moron almost cost her her career.

    I mean, she performed with Will.I.Am on a song, I use the word perform very loosely, and went out with ‘love rat’ Ashley Cole, so that gives her the same kind of non-racist credits, just as Jade Goodies appearance on Indian Big Brother gives to her. Even though Jade IS a racist.

    Aren’t you glad Dave’s here to clear all that up?

  2. August 15, 2008 9:42 pm

    The phrase ‘ You’re through!’ has so many other far sadder connotations when you see it out of context like that …

    Still, it’s good tv, so fuck them. Roll on Saturday night!

  3. August 18, 2008 11:06 am

    she is beautiful though cheryl. do you look anything like here perchance?
    If so …

    *gets down on one knee*

    Intersepecial marriage isnt so frowned upon as it used to be and we can get our own shock doc on channel 4 and then split up immediately afterwards. deal?

  4. August 18, 2008 11:20 am

    Blimey, two proposals in one year. What’s a gal to do? Hmm, well I don’t look much like Cole actually. For one thing, my head is the right size for my body and my thighs aren’t as thin as matches. But apart from that…

    As I said to Dave, get me a rock (and a kitty) and I’m yours (and I’m soooo liking your Ch4 doc idea).

  5. August 18, 2008 11:34 am

    I think you’re getting a grasp of what kind of creature me and Charlie are.

  6. August 18, 2008 11:49 am

    dave, i see youve cancelled your blog.

  7. August 18, 2008 1:26 pm

    Madge, I was talking Cheryl circa 2001, ie in the video clip rather than now. I agree these days she is too skinny and styled.

    Nicola for some good durty shaggin … and then cheryl to cuddle up to afterwards.

    is that so wrong of me?

  8. August 18, 2008 1:37 pm

    Yes.

    Everyone knows it’s Sarah for some dirty shagging and Kimberly to cuddle up to.

  9. August 18, 2008 1:40 pm

    I’m on WordPress now. And I made a cool logo, better than Badger Madge’s, using google images and paint.

  10. August 18, 2008 1:45 pm

    dave, I think wordpress is much better by all accounts. Did you do that new logo for this site? very good.

    BM – youre a woman though, what do you know about shaggin durty northern women?

    *leans close in to the internet and waits …*

  11. August 18, 2008 1:45 pm

    I’m sorry, but it can’t be better than my logo. Mine’s photoreal and eveyrthing.

  12. August 18, 2008 1:49 pm

    Nicola’s not dirty though. She looks like she’d snap the moment you bent her over. Really. She’s the most inflexible one of the lot. Nope, Kim’bleh all the way for me. Interesting how we’ve managed to gear both blog convos round to GA…

  13. August 18, 2008 1:50 pm

    Dave, it won’t link to you. What’s the link pls

  14. August 18, 2008 1:52 pm

    I refer the right honourable lady to my last WWM answer.

    sexy and attractive, two very different things.

  15. August 18, 2008 1:54 pm

    I like Superstylin’ by that GA bunch.

  16. August 18, 2008 1:55 pm

    daveselectricblanket.wordpress.com

  17. August 18, 2008 2:02 pm

    Yes, but Nicola’s neither IMO.

  18. August 18, 2008 2:04 pm

    some women find simon cowell sexy. theres no accounting for taste

  19. August 18, 2008 3:46 pm

    and over with the grown-ups …yes, Kimberley’s a cute looking girl.

    Okay. I’ll marry her, have hte occassional one-night stand with nicola, keep cheryl in a flat in town and nadine can have the spare room and rock me to sleep each night with lullabys and cocoa. If you insist.

    I hope youre happy now. the trouble I go to for women.

  20. August 18, 2008 3:48 pm

    that blonde one just looks like a cheap hooker though. she’ll be kerry katona in about 19 months.

  21. August 18, 2008 3:57 pm

    and at last we agree. except with nadine you’d have to feed her some pies before she rocks you to sleep, she’s a right skinny minny.

  22. daveselectricblanket permalink
    August 18, 2008 4:04 pm

    I’d shag am all, one by one, as the others watched. Dressed as a ninja.

  23. August 18, 2008 4:04 pm

    over at WWM, theres a new BB post, if youre that wat incilned.

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