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A nation unites

May 28, 2008

After weeks of utter disbelief at how slippery Michael ‘Sophocles’ Sophocles managed to grapple onto his position in ‘the interview from hell’, unlike the rest of the British viewing public I’m actually sad to see him go. Yes he was the ultimate damp squib, but think how funny he would have been in next week’s interview round. I’d’ve given anything to see him squirming under barked questions and harsh scrutiny of Sralan’s most trusted geezers. But no. Instead we’re left with such bland hopefuls as Helene (pronounced Hel-En apparently, not Helena – like it’s spelt – or even Helen. You pronounce the second E differently. Now you know).

After being passed over for the leadership role last week, Sophocles was chosen as team leader for the ‘renting out cars’ task. It was a task so easy it was the yuppie equivalent of selling sweets to kids. You turn up, wave the sweets/cars in the kids/kids faces and watch the cash roll in. Sophocles started backtracking almost as soon as the leader mantle was his. “Ooh, I’m tired,” he stuttered. “Oooh, I don’t like cars – did I mention I’m a good Jewish boy?” Alpha’s leader Lee on the other hand fired up with another “That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!” while Alex and Lucinda skulked in the background. After weirdly comparing the Zonda to a Ford Fiesta (er… can’t see it myself) Lee also chose the Aston Martin to rent out to posh boys – that’s what he’s talkin’ bout. Note how his team didn’t help at all in the selection process, hoping that, if it came to it, they could rest any failure squarely on Lee’s shoulders. But the big man had other ideas (he was talkin’ bout different things, you could say). Sophocles played safe with the Ferrari and a Spiker or something – I wrote the name of the car on my hand last night, but it’s washed off…

Alex was also back peddling – “Selling is my forte” he declared, and then muttered, “If the structure behind it is sound,” ooooh he’s a slippery one. Last night I found out (because I was actually listening properly and making notes) that Lucinda is a Risk Analyst. So that’s why she’s so bloody whingey all the time. It’s in her nature, she can’t help it poor thing. Sophocles went off on his own in the backstreets of Knightsbridge to flog his Ferrari, while Hel-En and Claire took the Spiker to the city – how is it that two girls who clearly know bugger all about cars could see that you take the car to the city? Sophocles claimed that selling is in his blood. What, like Judaism, hmmm? At the posh office courtyard, Claire exclaimed, “You can’t buy these cars!” Well… you can Claire, in fact, I’d wager that a fair few of these boys already have. But anyway, at least she made some sales.

With Alex and Lee desperately trying to flog the Zonda (at £3,000 a day), Lucinda left the piss-easy-to-rent Aston Martin on a side street for a few hours while she printed out some incredibly important raffle tickets – which was her crappy idea, by the way HERS goddammit and I’ll have no one say otherwise. Londoner Sophocles meanwhile was having no luck in Knightsbridge (outside the back entrance to Harrods – yeah because all the rich city types I know are there all the time of a week day) tried to flog his uber expensive Spikey… in Portobello Market. After wading through rotting banana skins and moving slimy cardboard boxes, Sophocles parked his car and finally got some interest from a posh type who was there shopping for organic veg (for organic, see been handled by market types after picking their noses). Of course, this being Sophocles, he balls’d it up and ended chasing the posho down the street, flapping his rental forms at him like some kind of stalker.

Meanwhile Lucinda and Lee were having some kind of lovers’ tiff. She’d wanted to spend the day selling with him, while he wanted to buddy up with Alex and royally screw Lucinda. She saw this as offering support, he saw it as holding her hand. You say potato…

Back to Renaissance (or is it Alpha? They’ve swapped so many times by now I’ve lost track) and Claire was proving that all you had to do was get a man in a posh suit to sit in the car and give it a few revs and Sralan’s yer grumpy new employer. That’s what I’m talkin’ bout. Hel-En was also working hard watching Claire make sales. Lucinda calls Lee from the car to talk about raffle tickets (I’m sure they were meant to be flogging cars this week?). It was a rather baffling conversation about selling tickets in clumps and not just one or two, but the phone call clearly left Lucinda wondering what Lee was talkin’ bout (geddit?!) Joining the boys in Canary Wharf, Lucinda managed to secure a £65 deal – “Better than a kick in the teeth,” she grinned. Which is just what the boys wanted to give her after all her whinging.

Back at Canary Wharf and Sophocles was doing his best to shmooze the punters – I think he even managed to pull at some stage (would he really do anything to secure a deal?). At the last minute we had a nerve-wracking will-they-won’t-they dash to sign a deal for Alex (which actually wasn’t that nail biting, bland as this series is). Turns out the punter was a Dr Who convention reject, complete with dodgy teeth and stripy scarf.

In the end, thanks to the Zonda gamble, Lee’s team made a whopping £11,815, with Alex securing £8K of that. Lucinda’s input was £65. But hey, she had the idea for the raffle tickets. Sophocles’ team made a paltry £2,114 even with Claire selling her arse off. Alex was so smug he licked his teeth with all his might, and they swanned off to do some wine tasting. Back in the greasy spoon, Hel-En, who didn’t sell or do anything, blamed the other two for their bad sales. My hackles rose at that.

In the boardroom Sralan kept going on and on about how young Sophocles is. So bloody what? That’s not a reason to keep him in over other people who are more capable, more mature and more likely to admit their own weaknesses and learn from it, than to try and shift the blame and carry on blundering on. Sophocles claimed he’d “Strengthened, developed and consolidated” since he started the experience. What is he, a loan? His plea made it clear that he relies on sound bites and jargon, not talent, and he had to go.

So next week it’s the lambs to the slaughter task. My favourite. Shame we’ve got the bland Hel-En, Claire, Lucinda and Alex. At least Lee should be good comedy value. So who to back going into the semis? Claire is the Badger that never was, so she’d be the sensible choice. Oh, but I’d love for Lee to win. And that’s what *I’m* talkin’ bout.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. May 28, 2008 11:43 am

    Alex to win!

  2. May 28, 2008 12:01 pm

    I am for the plucky Lucinda!

  3. June 2, 2008 11:15 am

    Looks like they’ve dropped the QVC and collect-the-listed-items tasks.
    Which is a shame.

  4. June 2, 2008 11:17 am

    They did a collect the list thing abroad didn’t they? Shame the QVC task has gone – that was great comedy!

  5. June 2, 2008 11:18 am

    Oh yes. You’re right.

    Reclaim da Streets!

  6. June 11, 2008 1:59 pm

    The QVC thing only happened once, didn’t it? Unless I’m going mad, the only things that have been done more than once (that are exactly the same each time) are the interviews and the TV advert. Aren’t they? Well?

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