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BMTV’s customary Bank Holiday post

May 27, 2008

Eurovision
I’ve not sat down to watch this properly since the days of Katrina and the Waves. I remember sitting on the sofa at home, screaming myself hoarse when we won (it was a cracking tune). Labour had just swept to power, the nation were singing manically to “Things Can Only Get Better,” I was wearing jeans and a plaid shirt with Puma trainers and doing my best Louise from Sleeper impression… It was the golden age of UK music, when all Eurovision winners needed was a cracking good pop song, a dodgy suit and a bit of love, shining light in our hearts. Ahem.

Course, that was before 9/11 and the Blair/Bush special relationship. Before Asbos and hoodies and happy slapping. Before everything went tits up, basically. Now Eurovision has turned into a bitter and twisted one-horse race, with Balkans voting for Balkans and the Eastern Block ganging up on the rest of us like bullies in the playground. Of course, it’s expected that the UK won’t win. Even with a great pop song like Andy Abrahams’ Evin If, we knew we’d come pretty far down in the league table.

But what really hurt on Saturday night was the fact that Andy sang that song note perfect and still came joint last. Joint last. Even below some entries where the song was shouted (Albania), were a Britney/Aguilera rip off (Greece) or relied on sex (Azerbaijan for the ladies ’n’ gays, Ukraine for the guys ’n’ lezzers). It was almost worth it for Wogan’s angry astonishment, but it also left me deflated. Not meaning to be a bad loser, but what’s the point in even turning up and giving it a go if you’re not going to be given a fair chance of winning? It’s not as if, like Ireland, we cynically took the piss by entering a puppet turkey. We bloody tried dagnammit! It was a cracking song, sung amazingly well (live) and performed… well… he’s no Robbie is he, but he made an effort. Point is, he sung his song far better than Russia and came last. Go figure. I say boycott next year. What’s the point?

Sunday saw a splurge in HMV. With bugger all on TV, I decided to stock up on Peep Show DVDs and got myself series two and three – I’d joined at series four and what better way to spend a bank holiday Sunday than catching up? So glad I did. Spent the whole of Sunday hanging out with Jez, Mark, Super Hans (who I always that was called Super Hands but hey ho), Big Suze and Sophie. Series one was a bit dodgy in parts (especially with the uber shaky cam) but it really picks up by series three. Stand put bits of series three are the first episode (the series bravely bravely begins with Jez trying to end a relationship to which we’ve not been privy) and the Twix-on-the-Quantocks scene – it’s a very long scene with only two of the cast but because of the tight writing and skilled performances it really holds the viewer and is mighty funny too.

Monday night, and things got a bit dark. Ch4’s Life After People (9pm) charted events after humanity has been wiped of the face of the planet. How will our pets cope? Will the Giant Ants take over the earth? How long will our structures last? Not very long it turns out. By now we’ve probably all seen I Am Legend, where Will Smith and his dog cruise around an abandoned New York, with its weeds growing out of cracks in the pavements. And you know, they kinda got it right. Without humanity, the plants take over, leading to mass destruction of our buildings, vehicles, roads and basically any imprint we’ve made. I loved that after 150 years, cats will become kings of the towers of ivy that are in place of our skyscrapers. They might even develop the ability to fly between these creepy structures. While they rule the skys, dogs scavenge with their wolf relatives. I always knew the cats would win out in the end…

After 200 years feckin seagulls and pigeons are *still* around and by 10,000 after humans, the world is a mass of greenery, with only the Great Wall of China and the Great Pyramids still being visible after several thousand years. Even things we’ve invented recently – things we build to last – will decay quite quickly. Our records, burnt onto CDs or stored away in vaults will crumble into dust (how arrogant of us to assume they’re better than cave paintings!) and the only thing to last 100,000 after the death of humanity is… ready for this?

Mount Rushmore! Mount Fucking Rushmore. A symbol of America’s golden age and self-satisfied patriotism. What must those who come after us think of us? Smug egoists, that’s what. And… I guess they’d be right.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 27, 2008 2:33 pm

    You’re forgetting that I buried a time capsule in Great Hale Fen, Lincolnshire when I was eight. That’ll tell alien life forms ALL they need to know about the human race. And I will be treated as a great chronicler of our times.

  2. May 27, 2008 2:35 pm

    I was thinking about how Blue Peter were always getting us to bury shit in the garden in biscuit tins when we were younger. Silly buggers. Didn’t they know it wouldn’t last?!

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