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Tossers and Tissues

May 22, 2008
There are certain tasks I look forward to each year on The Apprentice. The annual ‘get as many things as you can on the list at as cheaply as poss’ task, the ‘advertise some crap task’, the great-for-comedy-value ‘selling things on QVC’ and of course, the final ‘throw a party with all those who shafted to get here’ task.

And likewise, there are certain things you can always rely on in these tasks. Certain cock ups you know that will always happen – no matter what happened last year, and no matter how closely the current flock watched the series, or how capable they are.

Last night was the advertising task. Every year the same old same old. Every year one team goes off on a whim of whimsy, artistic creative bollocks, throwing money at a luscious campaign and sitting smugly in the boardroom, thinking they’ve nailed it before having their faces rubbed right in the shit like some naughty puppy by Sralan. Every year, one team stumble upon the right way of doing it, whether it’s because of budget or lack of creative thinking – not because they actually stopped to think of what was needed for that task (as has actually been the case in most of the tasks this year, which is why I’ve not really engaged in it as much. No flair, no flair!).

So last night, Alex’s team went off on one with their Atishus (which is such an obvious idea for a brand something makes me wonder why it’s not been used before), while Lucinda-I’m-Crazy-Me! trailed behind them bitching and moaning and generally being unhelpful and very un-teamly. Much as I dislike Lee and Alex (even though Alex is a fittie) I did have to side with them on this one. Lucinda was doing everything she could to bring the other two down (not something Sralan needs in his company – he does that very well himself, thanks) and also ensured her place in the boardroom if they did happen to fail. No, far better to do what Lee and Sophocles (I’m calling him this now as he is truly a great philosopher of our age) did and be as matey as you can with your Team Leader thus ensuring you can a) escape the boardroom or b) stab him in the back once there.

Over on the other side was where the comedy value lay last night. Raef and Sophocles – two frustrated actors – went off on one, declaring their love for the theatre (and adverts – just to press the point, thanks for that, Raef). Raef quoted Sebastian from Twelfth Night (the blandest of Shakey’s characters, which speaks volumes methinks), but then couldn’t go on because it would get too emotional – he might have even wiped away a tear, I don’t know, I was putting on my slap at the time. Thanks for sparing us that, Raef. An actor of your calibre should use their talents wisely. Meanwhile Sophocles did his Fagan. Hey, Lloyd Webber – I think we’ve found your Nancy…

Falling further into luvvie land, the boys called up Sian Lloyd to see if she’d help sell their tissues for them. Nope, nothing to do with coughs and colds because of bad weather. Or hayfeaver. Or sobbing into tissues because your weird ugly MP boyfriend has just gone off with a Cheeky Girl. No it was because ugly singleton Sian is apparently really wholesome. This surprised a giggly Sian, who had a naughty glint in her eye when suggesting how utterly un-wholesome she is. Hun, I rilly don’t want to know. *gags*

So to the boardroom, where a smug Raef/ Sophocles (to be honest these public school boys all look the same to me) started slagging off the other team’s ad, while Alex and co shuffled in their seats, clearly embarrassed at the clunky, clumsy way their tissues – sorry A Tishus – had been shoved down viewers throats (hey, there’s another idea for a campaign! With super models and everything! I’m wasted here, I really am). “I mean, I know the brand has to be clear and that…”
“Do you?” Interrupted Sralan
“Wha?” Came the rabbit in the headlight answer.

And that’s when the axe fell. Raef’s team had spent too long posturing and posing and hanging out with flabby-lipped, clicky-mouthed weather girls – actually, I refuse to call her a girl. She’s not a girl, she’s a hag – weather hags to notice that their product was a tiny box on the bottom left corner of the screen. So it was a shopping spree for Lee, Lucinda and Alex and the greasy spoon for Raef, Michael and the other two. Raef made the vital mistake of relying on the others not to stab him in the back. As soon as he uttered the words, “We’re not going to lie are we?” you could almost see shadows of the others, sharpening their blades behind him.

But it all went smoothly until Sophocles (our Great Thinker) got backed into a corner. “Everything that you liked, I did Sralan,” he chirped like that kid you hated in nursery school because he was always kissing ass (and had snot dribbling into his mouth). There’s something utterly repulsive about someone who bags all the praise because they think it’s good personal PR. If I were Sralan, my bullshit detector would have gone into overdrive. I’d’ve asked Sophocles exactly what he thought I’d liked about it (and thus what he’d done). I was also quite appalled that, at this stage, that girl (Claire?) didn’t chip in with what she’d done while the other two were off playing Spielberg. After all, “Behind every successful man, there’s a successful woman, ain’t that right, Claire?” She was clearly trying to let the boys dig their own graves, but it irked me nonetheless.

So Sophocles shifted the blame on to Raef, who as project leader had to go. I think even Sophocles was shocked that his, “don’t look over here, look over there” tactic worked as he shuffled off to the house, dramatically declaring to the others, “I don’t want to talk about it! It upsets me so!” *hand to forehead* “Raef has gone, that’s all you need to know!” (Need a tissue, Sophocles?) Of course, he was conveniently forgetting that, yes, Raef had gone, with his own throbbing genitalia rammed right up his arse.

Ahem. The UK tissue market is worth millions of pounds, says the VO. And according to Alex’s team, most tissues are used by women. Er… You sure about that Lee? I’m sure Michael and Raef get through a fair few on a daily basis (and that’s not counting evenings). But hey, we can’t advertise that, can we, no matter what shock value Lucinda wants. Tossers Tissues. Has quite a nice ring to it, doncha think?

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One Comment leave one →
  1. May 26, 2008 4:06 pm

    Atishu! is the Ovaltine of tissues. Bless ’em, they deserved their win.

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