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Love at last for Gordon Ramsey

October 31, 2007

So the clocks have gone back, darkness is setting in and Halloween is upon us. With that, the networks have launched their new-season series, two of which started last night on Ch4. Yes, everyone’s favourite smug cow Sarah Beany and her Property Ladder was back for its upteenth series then Gordon ‘Fuckety Fuck Fuck’ Ramsey returned with his sterling Kitchen Nightmares. Rather fitting that a witch and a devil appeared on our screens on Devil’s Night.

Not that these shows are crimes against television. Rather its the participants who make you want to c such deviant acts you’d be locked away faster than you could say “Canabal peadophile.” *Tangent* God knows what freaks I’ll get visiting this blog by putting those two words together…

Both shows pivot on the following premise: Expert meets Mr and Mrs Daily Mail who intend on re-doing their home/have a family crisis/dirty house/snotty nose. Expert advises Mr and Mrs Daily Mail. Mr and Mrs Daily Mail ignore expert.

Last night, Mr Daily Mail had bought himself a gorgeous old chapel complete with benches and stained glass. Did he follow The Beany’s advice to insert a mezzanine floor, giving the building a spacious glamour? Did he feck. No, Mr Smith chopped the chapel in two thus turning it into a boring (if stylish) detached house from the inside. What a knob.

Kitchen Nightmares follows more or less the same lines (restrateur has failing business, Ramsey comes in, offeres advice, owner and Gordon argue, Gordon’s rules prevail, restaurant is a success) except for some reason it seems like more valuable telly. Where Property Ladder is of the same vein as Wife Swap, Changing Rooms, Super Nanny and How Clean Is Your House, for some reason, Kitchen Nightmares feels more substantial. It’s the Guardian to Property Ladder’s Sun.

Anyway, last night’s Nightmare was Allan Love‘s Ruby Tates in Brighton (or rather it was Love himself). Love a ‘resting’ actor had put his house on the market in order to try and save his sinking ship. Speaking of ships, Ruby Tates, a fish restaurant that sits more or less on Brighton’s sea front, served only bought-in fish, oysters and lobster. Oh, and Love himself hadn’t eaten fish in 40 years… Oh, and his chefs were quite happy to serve customers open mussels. Yeah!

Even though Ruby Tates would sometimes take only £3.60 a day, Love hid under a cloud of denial. He slapped a smile on his face and wouldn’t admit anything was wrong. When Ramsey challenged him, he threw a typical actor’s hissy fit. But to be fair to the man, if I’d had Gordon Ramsey leaning into my face, whispering that I was acting and other such things that were bound to wind me up, I’d most probably throw him out too.

So, Gordon comes in, gives the place (and plaice – I’m so good) a lick of paint and a name-change, serves fish ‘n’ chips instead of bland tepid lobster, and life threatening oysters, gets his celeb mates in for launch night and Love’s (as it was re-named) is a success. I’d love to watch an episode of Kitchen Nightmares where Gordon didn’t succeed. Where the customers turned to him and said, “Actually, we preferred it the way it was.”

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