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Men in tights

October 5, 2007

I’ve never been one for history. I quite enjoyed it at GCSE but couldn’t stand the never-ending dates in the Russian Revolutions and German Emancipation at A Level. So I gave it up for a year of people eating their children and shagging their mothers and took Classic Civ instead. Little did I know History was so god-damned horny. My god. Get me back to the days of ruffles and rouge, when women were women and men… wore tights. Yes, according to the Beeb’s new historical drama, everyone was gorgeous back then. All chiselled, striding about the place in their doublets and brogues (and that was just the women – fnar!) And they had so much sex! I never knew. I suppose (back when there wasn’t the internet, telly and a decent sewerage system) all they could do was shag and stride.

Yes, a mere five minutes in to The Tudors (Fridays, BBC2, 9pm) and Henry (the brooding Jon Rhys Meyers) is shagging some loose wench while her tiny tits and HUGE nipples (did anyone else notice that?!) flopped about all over the place. Sixteen minutes in and he’s shagging his first wife’s lady in waiting (better tits this time). Then at 27 minutes, his mate Charlie (the Tudors were cool, you see) starts humping some bloke’s daughter.

Tits, tits and the occassional flash of men’s tight. That’s The Tudors for you. Aside from the sex and the tights (no matter how manly their stride, they’ll always look silly in those tights. Even JRM’s legs looked horribly lanky and skinny tucked, as they were, into his booties – which I recognised from Topshop’s A/W 2005 range. No rilly) there’s the little matter of historical drama to address. Now, as I said, I’m no historian. The closest I got to studying Henry VIII was starring as Catherine Parr in my am dram club’s production of Henry The Tudor Dude aged 16. It’s a great play because it takes something pretty damned confusing (all those wives and Thomases) and makes it quite simple.

So that was ten years ago, and I’ve stopped relying on my memory. I had very little idea of what was going on. All I know is the following:
The king (Henry, or Harry to his mate Thomas – that’s Thomas with the dark clothes and scratches on his back, not Thomas the evil bishop-type bloke who’s actually Sam Neill) likes to shag. A lot. He is sex incarnate. Even pomegranates turn him on.
He doesn’t like to shag his Spanish wife in case she gets pregnant and loses a child. Again.
Thomas (the top bishop-type bloke who’s actually Sam Neill) is ambitious (and slightly homoerotic). And we don’t quite trust him.
Buckingham is planning to kill the king.
Charles Brandon (Henry Cavill) is Huh. Orh. Tuh. See?


Call me shallow, but I don’t really care if it’s historically accurate, if there are strange nipples bouncing around the screen every 11 minutes, as long as they keep the 1st Duke of Suffolk (see? learning already) in it I’m there.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Clair permalink
    October 10, 2007 5:18 pm

    Sorry, they all look far too contemporary for me. And Henry VIII was a redhead; casting Rhys Meyers without making him dye his hair a bit red is clearly ginger prejudice, which JUST WON’T DO!!

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