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Wurzel Gummage does Hell’s kitchen

September 5, 2007

I’ve never got into Hell’s Kitchen before. I think it’s because I can only tolerate so much bullying and shouting at half-wits before I feel like killing a kitten myself.

But I’ve been watching the first few episodes of this year’s one, just to see what all the fuss was about.

But they’ve changed the angry chef™, choosing Marco Pierre White over his rival and protégé Gordon Ramsey. Ooooooh, controversial. White hasn’t run a kitchen in three years, which should make the series very interesting then. Or not. I don’t really get what a lot of ladies seem to see in White though. Yes, that photo of him in the restaurant with the fag hanging out of his mouth is quite sexy in a bad boy, ruffian kind of way. But a) you’d not want to have that hanging over you as you tuck into your pig’s trotter, now would you? and b) in reality (away from the Photoshop, the make-up and the good lighting) White is a craggy-faced, alcoholic skinned, Wurzel Gummage haired, fat old man.

He showed his true colours very early on in proceedings by being very interested in all the guys, and not really bothered about the ladies. Hmmmm, misogynistic much? And then again, when a diner dared criticise the food, he basically told them to leave. Now, forgive me if I’m wrong, but I always thought (in the service business at least) that the customer is always right. His barking at them to “apologise or go,” is a very bad message to send out, and only shows himself to be unprofessional.

Last night he declared that Margaret Thatcher was a “great woman.” Now, I’m not one to judge others on their politics but – actually feck it, I will. He’s obviously an privileged, Tory-arse-licking, establishment loving, money whore who made his money cooking tiny food in the 80s and serving it up for £100 a head. Either that or he’s insane. Fair play to the man, I suppose, but I don’t think he did himself any favours there… What a great catch this man is!

Now to the celebrities. There are obviously too many to mention here and many are just wallpaper (that boxer, Anneka Rice, the journalist), so here are my highlights.

We’ve BB’s Brian Dowling who is giving a sterling effort in putting up with Jim Davidson’s homophobic jibes. He runs rings around JD’s wit, and JD is obviously intimidated:
Davidson: You probably think I’m a lazy, bigoted arsehole…
Dowling: No…! I certainly don’t think you’re lazy…

Next up is Kelly LeBrock, proving that science can indeed be weird. The lady rivals Leslie Ash for the ultimate trout pout (ooooh, wouldn’t that make a great new TV show. You heard it hre first folks!) and her skin has that odd look of someone looking out of a mask. Creepy. But White loves her (she’s the only one of the girl’s team he does like – an unnaturally created woman. Hmmmmm) so that’s all good. What an odd looking couple they’d make. Or maybe he just wants to know the number of her surgeon.

Also of note, there’s boy band Blue member Lee Ryan. A stupid boy who thinks he’s everything he utters is profound and deep. He said something like “I like fish because they go through journeys. Like the salmon. They swim upstream – do you know how hard that is?”

Not sure how this series is going to develop. It’s certainly lacking the passion and energy of Ramsey. Every so often White gives the celebs a pep talk and it sounds so insincere and fabricated. I keep waiting for White to stop in the middle of one of these inspirational speeches and go, “Actually do you know what? Fuck it, let’s go to MacDonalds. I can’t be arsed.”

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Clair permalink
    September 5, 2007 12:18 pm

    Bryan is a lovely boy, and quite the wit. I hope he gets more, better work after this. And I’m surprised to see Lee Ryan cook dead animals after his comment about animal welfare being more important than 9/11 killing Blue’s career in the States.

  2. Bright Ambassador permalink
    September 5, 2007 4:25 pm

    Misogynist? LeBrock was the only one to get any personal tuition from the charismatic arsehole.

  3. Bright Ambassador permalink
    September 5, 2007 7:43 pm

    Oh, and another thing, is there a factory in Liverpool that churns out blonde bimbettes for the amusement of thick-as-pigshit footballers? Quite frankly, I don’t know what that girl sees in the £100,000-a-week striker Peter Crouch.

  4. Badger Madge permalink
    September 6, 2007 8:23 am

    Yes, but I’d hardly call LeBrock the epitome of femininity. She spends most of the time hiding her mutilated face under a cap for starters.

    I think there’s something more than a bit creepy about someone who favours a fake presentation of womanhood over naturally aged beauties like Rice and that newspaper editor.

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