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X-Cacktor

August 20, 2007

It’s almost exactly a year to the day when I first posted about last year’s X Factor and I’m afraid to say that those sentiments still stand.

Nothing has changed. Even their attempt to inject new life and fresh ‘talent’ into the series has back fired.

> New host Dermot was hardly seen in the first episode of the auditions.
> New judges Dannii and Brian Friedman were dull as anything. Dannii is nice to look at and I spent most of the show trying to work out what ‘work’ she’s had done, if you know what I mean (no one can look 24 for 20 years. That’s just impossible).
> The way they shoe-horned the big Louis drama was so shit. I really didn’t care. And the fact that Brian is now ‘Creative Director’ is obviously just so that Cowell and Co don’t get sued for breach of contract.
> Oh, and this lowering the age limit thing is scary. Sorry to be one of those who Simon scoffed at after finding some amazing talent, but any parent who’d willingly put their young child into this arena doesn’t deserve to be a parent. Yes, foster their talent. But don’t put them in front of live TV cameras every Saturday night to be picked apart by the media and the judge’s egos, not to mention the many dangerous people who’ll be watching them prancing around the stage… *shudder*

On Saturday night’s show, Cowell kept going on and on about Emily Nakanda being the first ever 14-year-old to audition. Bollocks. Who remembers Paris from last year and the countless others who have pretended to be 16 in order to audition. It’s just more hyperbole from the king of the over-statement.

Speaking of which, what has happened to Leona Lewis, she of the voice to rival Whitney, Maria et al? Nope? Okay, so apparently Simon didn’t want her to have to rush her album; he wanted her to get it just right. But actually, that’s a very dangerous game to play. Because, although she might have a fine voice, people are fickle, and they’re not swept up in the hype any more. Will they still want to bother with her after a year out of the spot light? This will be X Factor’s year of judgment I think. If Leona is to be yet another winner to slope off into obscurity once the cameras have rolled, then I urge viewers not to bother voting.

Still, at least the Pilsbury Dough Ball that is cheeky chappie Ray Quinn has got something career-wise out of his X Factor experience. He’s just done a stint as a judge on the pedophile-fest that is Strictly Baby Ballroom (or whatever it’s called) on ITV. What qualifications professional actor and some-time singer Ray Quinn has to judge very small children dressed in provocative clothing, smeared in red lippy is, I have absolutely no clue. Whatsoever. Allegedly. M’Lud.

I could keep going about how this year is bound to be shite. But instead, I shall illustrate my grievance with Badger Madge’s X Factor Drinking Game.

Drink yourself into oblivion* by taking a gulp/shot every time one of these happens:

Early auditions
– School won’t let 14-year-old have time off school
– One judge storming off at a controversial decision (one sip if Simon, finish your drink if Dannii/Sharon)
– Sharon/Dannii squeezes out tears at a sob story (extra sip if it’s a young un)
– An average contestant falls to their knees to beg to be put through
– More than one contestant being told they’re the “best they’ve heard so far”
– An auditionee has a crush on one of the judges
– A contestant who nearly misses their audition or has to pull out because of some personal trauma
– A contestant whose wife is about to go into labour auditions anyway
– Judges put through a totally hopeless act to annoy Simon (extra gulp/shot if he does his “Are you insane?” look)
– Fat Tony chases out someone who gets out of hand
– Ugly twins audition
– Someone appealing to Sharon’s conscience as a “mother”
– An annoying pensioner who you know hasn’t got a hope but goes to boot camp anyway just because Sharon, Louis and Dannii like her
– Family chav crash the audition room, demanding their son/daughter goes through
– A judge decides that an act they let go was actually good and asks them back
– Someone who auditioned for a previous series returns for yet another ‘highly amusing’ chance
– Stroppy contestant who can’t sing gets furious when they get rejected
– Simon is told that he doesn’t know anything about the music industry and doesn’t know a good singer if one slaps him in the face
– Someone slaps Simon in the face
– Sharon throws water over Louis (extra shot/gulp if it’s Simon. Down it if it’s Dannii)
– One of the judges has to rush back home for an emergency/doesn’t come in after an all-night bender
– Slow sad music while contestant explains their sob story, and then has their audition
– Climactic power ballad as the sob story wins their chance to go thru andthey run out jumping and hugging their family

*BMTV does not condone excessive drinking and urges y’all to drink sensibly, now…

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    August 20, 2007 12:26 pm

    Official news from Leona’s Official webiste
    Leona Lewis is set to release her brand new single, ‘Bleeding Love’ on 29th October. The track was written by Ryan Tedder and was recorded while Leona was out in LA. Ryan has also written for pop superstars Jennifer Lopez and Lil’ Jon.

    Leona’s as yet untitled album will be released on the 5th November in the UK and early 2008 in the US.

  2. Swineshead permalink
    August 20, 2007 12:33 pm

    I tried to do a WWM on this over the weekend but I watched it pissed and can’t remember dick all.

  3. Badger Madge permalink
    August 20, 2007 1:06 pm

    I wouldn’t worry. It was the exact same auditions round as previous serieseseses.

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