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Buffoon Tycoons

June 20, 2007

And so to Tycoon (Tuesdays, 9pm), ITV’s answer to The Apprentice (or the Chav’s Apprentice if you will) and we’ve got Peter ‘Dragon’s Den’ Jones leading six budding entrepreneurs to hopeful millions. Each has a business idea and it’s Jones’ task to lead them to it, funding their developments as they, er… develop. After ten weeks, Jones picks his Appren – sorry – Tycoon and they go on to make loadsa munaaaay.

So this week’s episode detailed the first two weeks of the budding Tycoons as they went about their business in er… Tycoon Tower (no, rilly) – which is basically an abandoned warehouse, with a few desks and pot plants dotted around the place. And what did each Tycoon-wannabe have to do in those two weeks? Turn around a 5% profit? Meet several deadlines at once while juggling staff and salary disputes? Nope. Most of them had to find a name for their business. In two weeks. Now, you’d think with all that time, these would be some kick ass names, but when Elizabeth ‘Make it happen’ Hackford came up with the most ridiculous, embarrassing names for her vodka-based fruit drink (‘Just B’ and ‘Vopple’ being two – don’t you think vopple sounds like the noise you make when you regurgitate? In fact, I’m sure that’s what Golum was saying in Lord Of The Rings when we found out how he got his name) you knew she was a silly Fruka.

Elsewhere and schoolboy Tom failed to mention to Peter the fact the media Tycoon Piers Morgan had launched a rival to his free student newspaper the week before he was due to pitch the idea. “Yes, but mine is free!” he whimpered as Jones looked at him as if he’d just had some shit smeared on his top lip, before climbing into his limo and speeding away from it all.

Also of note are the lady gardeners who want to market gardening at ladies. All they seem to be doing is selling pink trowels and other garden accessories much to Peter’s confusion. He suggested (quite rightly) branding their business to target both women, men and children, to which the girls were up in arms, crying and wailing. In a mutiny that would rival Claire Short’s resignation u-turn, the girls went out onto the South Bank to drum up support for their idea. After about two people agreed with them, they returned to Tycoon Towers (it still doesn’t sound right, does it) to gleefully present Peter with their results.

The other numptees aren’t worth much discussion. Justin’s bag for bags idea is stupid. It might go down well with the twee middle classes, but really, if you want to keep your shopping bags together, all you do is stick them in another shopping bag. Why pay for a separate bag to do this for you? Or am I just a bit chavvy in that respect? ‘Model’ Lauren wants to import clip-on hair extensions made of real hair and has given up her glamorous modelling (or should that be Glamour Modelling?) career to pursue this venture. I can hardly see her turning over a million in a year can you? Not unless Posh, Jordan and Marsh club together to keep her going, anyway. Then there’s lovely Iain who wants to sell radio-controlled helicopters to small boys, while he looks after his nan. Aw, bless. I bet he’s a right dirty bastard in real life. I bet his bedroom is a dungeon of PVC sadomasochism. I do hope so.

I didn’t actually see the end of Tycoon because Mr Badger wanted to watch Andrew Marr and his silly face talk about Blair in the final part of his Modern Britain series. So if anyone could fill me in on the last 20 mins or so that’d be fab. I’m guessing either the juice lady or the paper boy got fired. Er… Are they fired? Or are they bankrupted or something that’s not explicitly a copy of The Apprentice but is near enough for the same demographic to enjoy?

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Swineshead permalink
    June 20, 2007 8:34 am

    I missed this because the other ‘alf wanted to watch Ramsay. Apparently Proudfoot will be reviewing it on WWM today, so keep yer eyes peeled…

  2. Badger Madge permalink
    June 20, 2007 8:41 am

    Fabulous. Will pop over later x

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