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Sex with harpies, the cure for virginity…

May 16, 2007

I can’t be the only one who watched Virgin School (Ch4, 10pm) last night and thought it was incredibly creepy. Fair play to James for admitting he’d not lost his cherry at the grand old age of 26 – and you know, there’s nothing wrong with that, especially because he’d been bullied at school loads and obviously had some kind of social phobia (as well as mild learning difficulties). Jeez, combine that with a rather gawky appearance and it’s no wonder he hadn’t even got to first base as it were.

No, it was the triad of witches in the film that scared me the most. This triumvirate of middle aged hags who were well past their sell by date (except maybe for the lady who eventually took James’ cherry) had set up a company that was basically prozzies for those who need a bit of encouragement. There was an ‘intimacy coach’, whose job it seemed was to lie James on her bed and get him to touch her (nice work if you can get it, eh?) and then a ‘sex coach’ whose job it was to… well… have sex with James. The third harpy seemed to occupy the roles of pimp and madam at the same time, but also managed to sneak in a quick snog with James on completion of the deed. Most strange and unsettling.

Surely having sex for the first time with someone old enough to be your mum would mess you up even more than you are already (which is probably a lot if you’ve not bumped uglies by the age of 26). It was as if these three hags were so desperate for affection and attention that they set up this ‘school’ to trap poor unsuspecting virgins for fun and frolics. “Do you want to touch my breasts,” Intimacy Harpy said, all husky and slow. This provide too much for James who legged it out of there and back to Blighty.

In the end, though, James managed to bite the bullet (as it were) and do the deed with Sex Harpy (but not before having his first orgasm, which I really don’t think was necessary for us to see thank you very much. Jeez). He admitted he didn’t really fancy Sex Harpy (hey, welcome to the modern world, James) but he’d do the dead anyway as it would probably be more complicated if he did fancy her (he’s acting like a modern male already).

Throughout the film, I couldn’t help but wonder if James was gay. It wasn’t the fact that he was still a virgin at 26. It was the fact that he said he’d never been interested in women. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but surely at 13/14 James would have been getting feelings – you know, down there – he’d have discovered the wonder of boobs and would have wanted nothing else in the world but to see boobs. Even bullied boys must fantasise about girls (especially if it’s the girls doing the bullying, eh chaps?) I’ve got not-a-bad gaydar, and I reckon someone might have brought it up with him, poor sod…

Anyway, I was left (not for the first time this month) feeling very uncomfortable as I went to bed which might explain some of the *totally fucked up* dreams I had last night. I’m not going to go into it here. They shall stay in my head, too weird for the light of day *shudder*

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. swineshead permalink
    May 16, 2007 9:18 am

    It hadn’t occurred to me but you may well be right about the gay thing…

    All the same, I thought the poor bastard quite brave to go through with all that nonsense. At least he got his end away, eh? Eh?

    Wahey!

  2. Rich permalink
    May 16, 2007 9:33 am

    I really couldn’t see the wisdom of him doing this. I think he could have sorted himself out with a bit of psychiatry, an assertiveness course, finding a full-time job and to stop letting his Gran by his clothes for him from Peacocks (ugh!).
    I’m afraid that he might now be getting teased even more than he was already.
    I don’t know about gay, perhaps he’s just asexual. I saw a programme about Baden-Powell on BBC4 the other night and he was a screaming asexual (mind you, he did marry a woman in her twenties when he was in his fifties, but you got the feeling that he only did that because of family pressure to reproduce).
    It was all very mechanical with Bridget, wasn’t it? A bit like that famous scene with Alan Partridge; “Do you like that? Shall I go a bit faster or maintain the same speed?”. I fear the poor bloke’s an Alan Partridge in waiting.

  3. Uber-Rob permalink
    May 16, 2007 1:12 pm

    I’ve completely lost interest in having lunch now.

  4. Clair permalink
    May 16, 2007 1:42 pm

    I’m with Dr Rich on this one – he needed some general psychotherapy to deal with his general self-esteem problems before he moved on to the sexing bit. I thought the ladies were rather nice (not in THAT way of course), but the Dutch do have a very different, more open attitude to sex than us bottled-up Brits.

    I wondered why we saw James’ mum but not his dad on the programme? Too embarrassed to admit his son wasn’t getting his end away?

    And I thought that James was asexual, too.

  5. Badger Madge permalink
    May 16, 2007 1:58 pm

    Yes I don’t think just losing his virginity is the answer. As he said, he wanted to be able to approach women and talk to them. It was good that he was given the space he needed to ask questions and have a good look er… down there. But I don’t think having sex with someone he didn’t fancy (and someone old enough to be his gran let alone his mum) did him any good – although she was a bit of a hot older lady, I must admit.

    Interesting point about James’ dad…

  6. Rich permalink
    May 16, 2007 5:16 pm

    ‘Hot’, were we watching the same programme? She looked like Primal Scream’s Bobby Gillespie.

  7. Badger Madge permalink
    May 17, 2007 8:10 am

    For an older lady…

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