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Amuse buche

May 9, 2007

A strange (somewhat depressing) telly menu last night.

For starters there was the amazingly-named Gok Wan’s How To Look Good Naked, which failed to deliver its promise. OK, the lady involved did have more confidence and managed to strut down a catwalk in front of 1,000 in no more than her underwear, but she still had a round tummy and cellulite in her arse… You’re not a magician Gok…

The main course (if you can call it that) was Gordon Ramsey’s The F Word. I never got into past series so promised (I’d watch an entire episode through to the end. It was a bit of a waste of time really. Surely you can squeeze that show into 40 mins (maybe even half an hour). OK, so there were Ramsey’s usual ‘time saving’, laddish recipes: “Oil. Egg. Fry. Eat. Digest. Shite,” which always provide hilarity in the Badger household, but his chats with ‘celebs’ were ridiculous and if I hear Janet Street Porter shriek “SUGAAAAARGH?!” again, I think I’ll eat my own tongue. Even his trip to find a lamb to rear and slaughter turned into schoolboy antics with Ramsey marvelling at the size of a sheep’s balls (HUGE by the way). Spent most of the programme as I usually do whenever Gordon Ramsey’s on and try and work out what facial expressions you’d have to constantly make to get those huge lines in his chin…

Desert was a rather strange-tasting ‘documentary’ The Seven Sins of England, which (I think) was (meant to be) about how England has always been full of chavs and chav culture and listed its seven sins (binge drinking, hooliganism, consumerism, slagging, bigotry – or a Saturday in Swansea to you and me). It took the words of 18th and 19th-centuary critics (letters to newspapers, House of Lords minutes and famous diarists and poets) and put them in the mouths of modern-day chavs. It was interesting. And refreshingly depressing to know that England has always been shite. And always will be.

But two things bugged me. One: the film was too long. I got bored after consumerism (and yes, I understand the irony). Two: why confine the sins to England? I’ve seen enough of Wales to know that it has (more than) its fair share of slags, hooligans and bigots and I’m sure there are a fair few in Scotland and Ireland. So why not ‘Britain’s Seven Sins’? Imagine the uproar if it had been ‘Wales’ Seven Sins’, so treat England with the same kid gloves please.

What I liked about the film was the way it took chav culture and turned it into poetry. The modern-day chavs sounded intelligent and eloquent when speaking the words of yonder year. Juxtaposing (I’m such a wanker, I know) these quotes were interviews with the chavs themselves about how they feel about their culture, and quite a few of them highlighted some very interesting points. Just like the hooligans of yesterday, today’s chavs understand that they make up the backbone of our society. They build our houses (and clean them as one noted), and fight our wars, and if they want to go out of a Saturday night and better the hell out of each other then who are the middle classes to argue (if they did argue, surely they’d get a knuckle duster to the eyeball…)

It’s a shame that Consumerism Girl turned out to be such an airhead. She seemed to really understand what she was quoting and it would have been great if she’d turned out to be an Oxford graduate (See people? You can be smart and a shop-a-holic) but no. She was just a vacant tart whose only means of expression was to shove her huge, fake boobs at the camera and giggle.

The rather unsavoury digestif (yes there is such a thing, I Googled it) was Roy Chubby Brown: Britain’s Rudest Comedian, which followed the ‘comedian’ on his British tour and trying to show him as a father and grandfather who hates swearing in front of ladies and kids. I only managed up to the first ad break. Going into said break, the voice over asked if it were possible for there to be two Chubbies: the stage Chubby and the man behind the bigoted mask. By then, I didn’t care. After seeing part of his routine where he says, “I’m not saying that all Muslims are terrorists, but isn’t it funny how all terrorists are Muslims?” and then got a rousing cheer from his braying crowd, I decided I wasn’t going to waste my time getting to know this person. He obviously hadn’t bothered getting to know Muslims (or the fact that a lot of today’s terrorists are actually born and bred in this country).

It was a rather down-beat end to my evening of telly, which is always frustrating. Never mind – The Apprentice tonight, which is great end of evening TV (Mr Badger has to have an early night on Wednesdays due to his long Thursday commute – we do go to raves and shit usually, honest).

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Rich permalink
    May 10, 2007 2:10 pm

    Did you see Ramsay’s eyes? I’ve been told I have VERY blue eyes, but his were off the scale. It certainly wasn’t natural, either he’s wearing contacts or they’re colouring them in, post-production.

  2. Badger Madge permalink
    May 10, 2007 2:12 pm

    Yeah, my ed says he wears contacts for the promos and ad break bits. He says for that reason alone, he hates him…

  3. swineshead permalink
    May 10, 2007 2:27 pm

    I cannot stand the Ramsay, YES?

    WHAT’VE YOU DONE TO THE TORTELLINI???

    FOR FUCKS SAKE, MADGE…

  4. Badger Madge permalink
    May 10, 2007 2:42 pm

    Yes Chef! Sorry Chef!

  5. Rich permalink
    May 10, 2007 4:24 pm

    And he said ‘fuck off and come here!’ How exactly can you fuck off and come here at the same time?

  6. Anonymous permalink
    June 7, 2007 4:39 pm

    “He obviously hadn’t bothered getting to know Muslims (or the fact that a lot of today’s terrorists are actually born and bred in this country).”

    So your saying that if people are born and bred here, then they shouldnt be classed as their own race? I think that comment has some racist undertones itself!

  7. Badger Madge permalink
    June 8, 2007 8:29 am

    Not at all Anon. He states: “All terrorists are muslims.” But that’s not the case. Many recent terrorists aren’t muslims but convert later. I understand what you’re saying, and perhaps what I meant came out wrong! But also, look at the IRA – they’re from Britain and they’re not muslims.

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