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Kissing in the back row of the movies

March 15, 2007

I’ve seen a few unpleasant things in my time. When I was in journo training we were shown un-screened footage of a decapitation somewhere in the east. This group of men were holding up another man’s head by his hair and it was horribly graphic. In another scene, another man was beaten with bats that had glass and nails sticking out of it. After a while, flakes of his own scalp were being torn off, leaving his skull visible. It was sickening and those images will be with me for ever. I think they were trying to illustrate that sometimes, as a journalist, you’ll see things that will affect you and to be prepared to get a bit fucked up over it (and to seek help).

Not quite in the same league, but still managing to make me feel almost as nauseous and certainly as uncomfortable, was Barry-off-Eastenders’ singing last night in Comic Relief Does Fame Academy. Listening to a fat, balding, middle-aged man with sovereign rings on his fingers, dart-players belly hanging over his Burton’s trousers and hollering about taking a school-girl to the movies to “kiss her in the back row,” and then take her back home again as it was a school night was hugely uncomfortable.

Of course, as The Grants™ informed us, he sung the song how it was meant to be sung back in the ‘50s – Buddy Holly et al were old men, talking about dating (very) young girls, but hearing that sort of thing last night was very odd indeed. He was signing about making sure she’d done her homework before they went out. Eww! Not nice. I’m surprised they let him sing it, really. They won’t let them wear red noses but if an old man wants to sing about grooming and having sexual relations with a child, that’s fine. No worries there…***

Colin Murray’s Unchained Melody was equally cringe-worthy. He kept stroking the mic and smiling as if he were some kind of sexualised stripping sing-o-gram. And for once, Tara managed to sing without breaking into a sweat that would be sure to end annual hosepipe bans if only they’d harness some kind of sweat collecting instrument to siphon her sweat off her face and into our gardens.

***Obviously I’m in no way accusing Barry-off-Eastenders of being a paedo. It’s dogs he likes, as we all know…

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Clair permalink
    March 16, 2007 4:12 pm

    I started off quite liking Colin, but his bossiness and know-it-all air was incredibly wearing. I hope his posho fiancee knows what she’s letting herself in for!

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