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March 5, 2007

The good thing about the last series of Shipwrecked: Battle Of The Islands was that, in amongst the lithe-limbed beauties, there were also some not so hot characters, with real personalities who contributed to some fascinating stories. Charlie was a rather plump northern tomboy whose friendship with toff-girly Lucy was heart-warming and fascinating. From opposite worlds, these two bonded over hair washing, and guitar strumming. Bless. Geoff’s sister Jo was voluptuous (OK, she was pretty fat) and caused a bit of drama when she revealed that her brother had been the outcast Geoff.

This series, though, Shipwrecked is full of vapid stunners. OK, so they’re good to look at of a rain-swept Sunday evening. The boys are all brown skinned Adonises and the girls have all come from the pages of Nuts or Zoo or whichever wankfest manual you currently favour. But they’re all carbon copies of one another (Shark Jo and Tiger Terri exceptions) – all long blonde or brown hair, size 8-10 figures and lipgloss. Only Terri and Jo break the mould, with Jo’s funky hair and Terri’s giant stature. And there’s not a personality among them. There been very little drama so far, with the snoresome exception of Lucy’s shock move to Shark island (only to come back three weeks later, tiger tail between her legs). Hmm… Interesting. Last year, we had outcasts (see Geoff above), romance, bitching, backstabbing… hunger.

Even a potential humdinger of a bitch-fest was met with terrible bathos. Shark Stuart has been snogging and groping Tiger Lianne for weeks now. With the arrival of Naomi Millbank-Smith (someone needs a trip to the Deed Poll office), Stuart admits to her that he “doesn’t feel about her [Lianne] the way I feel about you [Naomi].” This, just days before her three-day stay on Tiger island.

Rubbing my hands together with glee, I imagined a full-on bitch slapping, with hair and sand flying. But no, Lianne admits (albeit through gritted teeth) that it’s not serious, and at that week’s BBQ, Stuart goes off with Naomi for some alone time. Lianne is fine and just “feels a bit stupid.” Dammit. I wanted hair pulling, teeth gnashing and skin clawing. And all I got was an empty airhead, tilting her head saying, “Plenty more fish in the sea.” Lianne. The epitome of self-respect.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. swineshead permalink
    March 5, 2007 4:26 pm

    I want a pigs head on a stick and lots of blood-letting from my desert island capers… when will the mutiliation begin?

  2. Clair permalink
    March 8, 2007 1:17 pm

    Yes, yes, it’s what they deserve!

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