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No longer do I have to put up with their massive underbites…

September 12, 2006

Every so often soaps get a bit dull. A bit, traveling- down-this -road-for -so-long -my-blisters -have-blisters. So every now and then writers decide to shake things up a little (ooooh!) by having a big story line involving lots of action and gives them a chance to cull a bit of dead wood in the process (they’ve also fulfilled their drama quota for the year and can go back to being dull and depressing for another 364 days).

Usually, there’s a big (deluded) baddy who comes back (Nick, Trevor, er… Phil and Grawnt) for some kind of revenge involving a fire, a plane crash, nuclear bomb blast and/or other special effects. There’s a ‘who killed…’ or ‘who died?’ cliffhanger or tension permeating the week’s viewing. Oh and they always blow up the pub.

Now it’s Hollyoaks’ turn for a major cull, involving (feel free to tick boxes as we go along): A deluded Sam returns to reek revenge, all main characters pile into the Dog in the Pond for ‘some reason’, heightening tension over who dies – we’ve seen the Dog being blown up in trailers, cue huge explosion, heroics and death for four of our cherished cast (and Sam).

But who? Well, actually it’s a bit of a let down really. Boring wanker Joe dies, trying to save boring loser Olivia – so no sleep lost there (except the way we all found out was a bit eery, Oaks-writers – there are kids watching, you know!). Also the twins were culled. Now, I’ve discussed this with another Hollyoaks fan (yes, there is more than one of us) who said: “’m quite pleased that the twins have left. No longer do I have to put up with their massive underbites.” Unfortunate jaws aside, it is a mini shame they’ve been culled. Not only because they were twins and therefore soft-porn fodder for the Sunday morning wankathon crowd, but they were also just about to go into two huge story-lines: Mel (or was it Sophie) with the whole Claire caught on DVD shagging someone else fiasco, and Sophie (or was it Mel?) and the inevitable heart-break she’ll suffer on discovery of Russ and Mercedes (she of the huuuuge hips and teeny waist) and their pechant for rolling around in bed together (but not actually doing anything due to pre watershed rules. ahem). But then at least OB’s still alive to bring Claire down, and there’s bugger else the twins were doing except being critical of Becca and Justin’s relationship and having another booze relapse.

So surely there are other characters they could have culled that would provoke more of a response (which is what they want right? Instead of general indifference). Culling Max before he found out about Claire would be a nightmare, Becca dying in childbirth, Tony (finally) dying. Of something – anything. Anyway, point is: killing Joe, Olivia and the twins ain’t that much of a big deal. Not for me anyway. But then I watch Oaks in the week and not on a Sunday…

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