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The great launderette in the sky

July 11, 2006

What is it with original cast members leaving their meal-ticket jobs eh? First our beloved Mandy ups and leaves Hollyoaks without an extension out of place, and now Wendy Richards (Pawleene Faahlah) has decided that enough is enough and is leaving Enders at Christmas. Perhaps she’s fed up of not having cracked a smile in all her 21 years, or maybe it’s that depressing launderette (not exactly glam is it, Wendy?) or maybe it’s just that she kept expecting Mr Huphreys to pop out from behind a washing machine with his “I’m freeee!”and it never actually happened. Oh well. Good luck to you, Wendy. Here’s hoping you can find another cushty job where it doesn’t matter if you can’t act, develop your character and intimidate the writers (not to mention new cast members) into keeping you on the show long after your sell by date.

Possible next steps for Wendy Richards:
• Part of a new exhibition at The Natural History Museum: “Dino Evolution: from Lizard to Human.”
• The latest Gucci moc-croc handbag.
• Starring in the next Government film on the results of smoking and sun exposure.
• Indiana Jones’ new love interest (hey, she was fit in her day, and Harrison’s not getting any younger…)

Possible exit story lines:
• Aurfur comes back to haunt her with a frying pan, gradually driving her mad and chases her into the canal. Where she joins the great launderette in the sky.
• She realises the love that dared not speak its name for all these years and elopes with Sonia. Later, Sonia changes her mind again, leaving a distraught Pawleene sinking deeper and deeper into depression. She commits suicide and joins the great launderette in the sky.
• Martin finally tells her to naff off. So she does. Later, Martin receives a postcard from Meesheaw saying that their mother has joined the great launderette in the sky.
• Grant comes back. Again. This time he’s shagged everyone in the square but Pawleene so he has a go (may as well, eh?) But – oh no! – Grant has contracted a heady concoction of STDs from all his dallying ways and Pauline catches a bunch of them. In a tragic death-bed scene, she tells Grawnt that it was he she loved all this time. Then she joins the great launderette in the sky.
• In a dodgy deal with Phiw, Pawleene buys the Vic (who hasn’t?) but tragedy strikes when one of Jim’s old man rollies isn’t extinguished properly. In a blaze that would later be called the Great Fire of Walford, Pawleene joins the great launderette in the sky.
• After years of gossiping/passive smoking with Dot, Pauline gets cancer and joins the great launderette in the sky.

Note to editors: all possible storylines MUST have an underlying moral message we can patronise our viewers with (i.e: Don’t sleep around, don’t smoke, Lesbians are evil, etc etc).

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    July 12, 2006 2:01 pm

    The only satisfactory exit is that she is burnt as a witch in the middle of the square.

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